Move along, move along…

I’ve moved. 

bdeutsch06.blogspot.com

let’s live it up…!

two posts in one month?  pure craziness.

i hereby decree that i will enjoy the last 2 months and some odd days of college that are left.  going to make the most of it and have fun.

i’m not sure what this all entails at this point but i know i will, in the words of the black eyed peas “live it up.”

this will all go down starting immediately after spring break.  hopefully i will have a tan at that time too.

where do i go…?

so i got the email today after a month of waiting that i was not accepted into LVC.  initially it was a shock.  i mean i have all these people around me saying that there’s no way they wouldn’t accept me, that for sure i’d get in.

then i don’t.  i’m still unsure whether or not i’m more sad about the fact that i didn’t get in or the fact that everyone thought i was and now i have to tell them all i didn’t.

i’m sad.  i’ve cried.  i’m still crying, but i’m an emotional person so its understandable.  i think the thing that is really making me sad and scared is that i thought i had my life planned out, at least the next year of it.  i thought i knew where i was going and what i wanted to do.  but then here i am, with nothing.  i put all my cards into LVC.  all i’m left with is the fact that i am going to be an under qualified college grad come may with no plans for the future.  i mean i’ll work at camp and love it, but after that what do i do?

after talking to my mom and realizing that maybe LVC really wasn’t for me.  maybe i would have had a horrible year and hated it.  maybe God is directing me towards something else.  i thought this was my path and now all i can do is pray that God will lead me to where i need to be, doing something that is worthwhile and still in His name.

i have the most loving, caring and supportive mother anyone could ask for.  i’m fearful that after camp i’ll just move home and end up back at target.  i don’t want that for my life.  i want something bigger, better.  its hard to see past this let down.  all i can do to get through this is know that God is always there and will always lead me where i need to be and he’s given me my family and i am so grateful for their never ending love and support.

Dear God,
I don’t know what this all means yet, and I know you have a plan for me.  Please be with me and help me and guide me down this right path.  I’m so scared of the future and not knowing what it holds.  Please be with me and guide me.  Help me to be patient and realize things don’t happen overnight.  I thank you so much for all you have given me and done for me.  I thank you for for my wonderful family and friends who are always so supportive.  I love you.

Amen.

dreams…

sometimes the dreams i have at night are so vivid and feel so real that i wake up confused as to whether or not they are real.  i remember one time in high school i had a dream where one of my friends just made me so angry that when i saw here in school that next day i was so mad at her…when really she did nothing.  last night was kind of like that.  without going into to much detail, because really that would be embarrassing, i had a dream that i wish was real.  kind of i guess…

i think sometimes my subconscious tries to tell me things through dreams.  sometimes good and sometimes bad.  especially with this dream.  i have adamantly made up my mind about this certain someone but my dream told me otherwise.  i was hanging out with this one person at the beginning and having a good time and then all of a sudden they were someone else.  it didn’t bother me one bit in my dream but as soon as i woke up and thought about what i just dreamt about, i was a little angry.  it has taken me how many months to get to this understanding and feeling about this person, but i feel like this dream is telling me otherwise.

now i know dreams can be interpreted many different ways.  people dream about cows and flying and dinosaurs and doing things they wouldn’t normally do in real life.  weirdly though my dreams are consistently related to normal life.  i mean there are things that happen that could/would never happen in real life, but they never seem that out of the ordinary.  i feel like many times my dreams are what i want life to be like.  and its really sad to wake up and find out that its not…what does this all mean?  i wish i knew.

having dreams like this though that make me happy, are a good thing because then i am excited to go to bed at night and see who and what awaits me.

goodnight.

An interview…

my fingers are SO cold…

i have an interview tomorrow for lutheran volunteer corps.  i’m really excited for it and also nervous as any sane person would be, considering my acceptance to the program relies on this interview and my application i submitted last month.  after the interview i have to wait another month to see if i’m accepted.  once i find out about that, if i am accepted i get to choose 3 places to interview with and finally on april 8 i will find out where i will be living next year. ahh so excited!!!

i kind of just want to skip ahead to the summer.  i was rehired to work at camp again this summer i love camp, i’m super excited for that!  it will be really different considering all of the older counselors will not be working there this summer and i along with maybe one other counselor will have worked there the longest (and that’s only 2 years!)  and our executive director is also gone, so someone new will be interesting.  i hope they find a good match.  camp deserves the best.

senior capstone planning is coming along.  we’ve decided to make a meat substitute and improve on the options currently available.  i think its a creative idea and will certainly be a challenge.   (the other groups are doing potato chips, pretzels and yogurt)  i think ours has the potential to be awesome!  there is so much to do for that, but i am in a good group with people that are easy to work with.

ok need to stop now…i’m afraid my fingers are going to fall off or freeze in place!

a song…

i wish i could sing.  well, i mean i can sing.  i just wish i could sing well.  but that won’t stop me from singing in the car or at 5 am at the desk

the semester is almost over.  i think its a good thing? looking back, its been a really good semester.  but i’m ready for new classes (except for o chem, which seems to have been following me my entire college career).  i’m excited for graduation and the future.  now that i know what i want to do, at least for the next year or so, the future seems exciting.  now i just have to finish the application and go through some interviews and hopefully i’ll get in!  i love minnesota, but i want to try something new and live somewhere else, at least for a while.

i’m also super excited for this winter break.  it has the potential to be one of the best ones ever.  tempe, philadelphia, wilmington and DC!

and now its too early to think about really anything…i’m looking forward to being back in bed in a few hours!

confusion…

life is confusing.

boys are confusing.

schools is confusing.

the future is confusing.

trying to figure out things in my mind only confuses me more.

i just wish life was easier.

why can’t things just fall into place like i want them to?

amidst this confusion, one thing remains clear, God.

he is always there.

he will always be there.

but there is so much more to learn about him.

i want to be a better person.

it seems so easy, yet every time i try, i feel only failure.

life is a roller coaster of ups and downs.

i guess the only thing i can do is take one step at a time.

the following is currently my favorite poem/psalm type thing to end my day with:

“be still and know that i am God.

be still and know that i am.

be still and know.

be still.

be.”

i’m hungry. . .

so i’m sitting at bailey. i should be making flashcards for microbiology, but i think i’ll do that later. i just need a place where i can write down my thoughts and get them out of my head. xanga is lame and facebook is too open. i have a tendency of saying things that are on my mind on there, then getting criticized for them. i don’t really feel like being criticized right now.

i usually love politics. i love a good debate/chat where the other person you talk to has differing opinions than you and you can have a civil conversation with them, sharing your thoughts, listening to there’s and vice versa. i like that. what i don’t like is politics these days. its really just getting sucky. it feels like this election is just turning into a competition. its really not about the issues anymore. it sounds cliche, but its true. you have team obama and you have team mccain. who do you support? its not who’s ideals do you support anymore, its which person.

i am pretty conservative and pretty much all of my friends are quite liberal or don’t really care much either way. actually ever since high school when i started getting interested in politics and figuring out where i stand in the whole poltical spectrum, i have been pretty much alone.  now, i really haven’t had many problems with being the “outcast” but with this election, i feel like it has just gotten worse.  people can write mean, horrible things about the republican party and make fun of them and their ideals.  they can compare mccain to bush and say he’s no different.  they can say mccain is too old and sarah palin is caribou barbie.  they can continually say that the economic crisis is the fault of the republicans.  but the second i say something pointing out a fault of the democratic party or the inexperience of obama i get jumped on, criticized and in a way harassed. . .i feel like people look down on me as i walk down the street with my mccain and coleman buttons on my backpack.

this election has just gotten so dirty.  i’m not saying mccain isn’t at fault either, its both sides, but in a predominantly liberal city/school, i am the minority.  i’m not sure i can take it anymore.  i’m sick of being put down and having to censor what i say for fear that someone is going to attack me some more.

this gets me so worked up, it sucks. . .it shouldn’t.  i just want this election to be over.  i want people to work together and not be so divided.  ugh.  i don’t know anything else to say right now. . .things just get so jumbled up in my mind when i go and try to write them down.

reflections and confessions. . .

sorry if this isn’t BS enough for the dates. deep down it really is.

another year has passed by. i didn’t cry this year and i’m not sure why. i guess i just know that i’ll see everyone again soon. i’m super excited for camp. the only thing that stands in my way is three days of target and the mound of crap (aka my stuff) sitting in the basement that needs to be sorted and repacked. i’m hoping this summer will be amazing.

i watched the graduation dvd tonight and got really nostalgic, then realized that i don’t miss high school. i’m moving forward in this world and hanging on to the past will only hold me back.

this year has been a year of learning. a year of new experiences and maybe even a few regrets, but overall a good learning experience. i guess this is the spot where i can list some “new things” that happened this year. i kind of really like lists.

-i went to a dance club and really enjoyed it. (*too much love at first ave, so not really a dance club dance club)
-i made many new friends, grew close to the “old new” friends, let go of some friends and realized who i should really reconnect with
-i gained some new insight and opinions on issues of politics, society and personal choice
-i went on a mission trip and got to experience God again and rekindle my love for mission work
-i experienced my first friends to graduate. its kind of scary and i wish them all the best of luck
-i will experience my first high school friend to get married in a week

i’m sure there are many more, those just stick out the most in my mind right now. overall, i will BE SATISFIED with how this year turned out, taking both the good and the bad.

an update or a mess of words. . .

this update won’t be very organized by any means and really i don’t care. today has just been a crazy day and i think writing about it might help. . .even if it is a middle school type play by play of the past 24 hours.

it all started friday night. i decided it was good to stay up until 3am doing really nothing. we had an event at bailey that i went to and helped clean up for. i learned i really suck at rockband drums and bass is boring. other than that the event went pretty well. afterwards i watched the office with my friend mike. that’s a whole long story in itself. he’s the type of person who you want to be friends with because they keep life interesting but then you don’t want to because they just cause you grief. i’m in the transition state of figuring which is more important. anyway, so i ended up not going to bed until 3am. not really horrible except for the fact that i had to work in 4 hours. i slept for 3 and half hours and actually felt well rested for my shift, surprising?

after my shift i ate lunch with a bunch of people, most of which went to the cru sadie hawkins dance friday night. i did not go. cru and i don’t mesh. so then you have obvious stories of how much fun it was and what i missed out on. i’m sad that i miss out on hanging out with those people, but i just really can’t do anything cru related anymore. i guess it could be considered as a type of “bad breakup” where your friends are still friends with them and you have to still be around them. i really just want nothing to do with cru but many of my friends still attend. i can’t really do anything about that. this could branch off into so many directions, but i think i’ll stick with what happened that made the past 24 hours so crazy.

after brunch i took a much needed nap and got caught up a little on my sleep, well enough for me to be functional for the evening. my friend eric came over and we watched a super cheesy, cute, romantic movie about a gay guy trying to find love. i really enjoyed the movie, but really i’m a sucker for any movie with a cute romantic storyline and a happy ending. i think these past few weeks i have been coming to terms with my stance on homosexuality, considering eric is gay and the previously mentioned mike just came out as well. why can’t i just have straight guy friends? whatever, at least i can talk to them about good looking guys. . .? then eric left and i was left with nothing to do. suzanne and kelli went to the movie at coffman and rebecca was on duty. it was a busy night for sure, which will come into play later.

so what do you do on a saturday night around bailey? well, hang around the desk of course! so basically from 9 until 12 i hung around the lobby talking to the CAs and other random people. being it was nice out and a saturday night there were obviously going to be many incidents. tonight they included such things as guys from a local frat running around shirtless banging on the ground floor windows then trying to sneak back into bailey because the cops were called and they didn’t want to go back to their frat. after ordering pizza with the CAs and another friend i decide i should probably get some sleep before i have to work again at 3am. i told my roommate that i wasn’t going to stay up like the night before but i did anyway. she was the one who worked before me.

so after my nap i get down to the desk and my roommate tells me i’ve missed a lot of action, meaning the i just missed the drunk bus getting back with all the people who went to some toga party. not really out of the ordinary for a saturday night. but here’s where it gets interesting. so suzanne and kelli are headed back from the movie and just so happen to be on the drunk bus. suzanne sends rebecca and me a text letting us know that lots of drunk people are coming. i being asleep don’t get it until i wake up. but rebecca calls suzanne to inquire more, as she is on duty it is her job to deal with all the drunk people. apparently there was a girl who was not able to really walk on her own and suzanne told rebecca about it. now i’m not sure about the details, but if someone is unable to walk on their own the CAs are supposed to approach them and help them out first and foremost. then they are to write them up for drinking. this really stops people from getting help if someone is dangerously intoxicated, like tonight. so rebecca has to find this girl and help her, but all has to write her up. she has to write up the people helping her as well. which brings us back to mike. he was one of the people helping her so evidently he got written up even though he claims he wasn’t drinking.

so while all this happened i was asleep and when i got down to the desk to work at 3 i was informed that there was a lot of crazy stuff going on. at that point mike walks by and confusingly tells me that i should check facebook and we aren’t friends anymore. not knowing what was going on i thought he was joking because he does that a lot. so i check my facebook and there’s a message from him saying that he apologizes and its nothing against me but he can’t be my friend because he can’t associate with people who associate with people who “tattle” for lack of a better description. at this point i still have no clue about what is going on. rebecca explains as much as she can to me, as most of this she is not supposed to share with other people. i used my deducting skills and put the pieces together to figure most of it out.

one of the things that really gets to me is when someone doesn’t like me or is mad at me and i have no clue why (ie this situation). i’m not one to want to make people mad and it just really gets to me when someone does something to make it seem like i’ve done something wrong. i don’t really know how to explain that. . . well i finally get him to come talk to me in person and find out that the reason he defriended me was because he had suspicions that it was suzanne that ratted out that girl. i told him it was, because really she didn’t rat out the girl she just told us that there were a lot of drunk people. nothing wrong with that. well he took it as her being a tattletale. he said that he can’t trust me because i associate with suzanne and rebecca. dumb, i know! i didn’t do anything. i’ve never told on him when he’s been drunk or anything. it seems all a little middle school to me.

now i’m in the stages of contemplation. yet i have no one to talk to to get their sides of the story and i am left to sit here wondering what tomorrow will hold. i have to tell suzanne about what happened. mike told me he will talk to me more tomorrow, so we’ll see how that goes. on a sidenote the security monitor is creepy and keeps asking me about facebook and whether or not someone can have one if they don’t intend to upload pictures and whatnot? weird! that pretty much brings me to right now. thankfully i’m almost done with this shift and i can get a few more hours of sleep.

on top of that i found out this evening that a girl (mandy rief) i graduated with and had a few class with died in a house fire last night. seriously our class is cursed. i was talking to some other people and they said that everyone in their class is just getting pregnant, but it seems like everyone in our class is dying or having to deal with unfortunate events. my friend michael describes it as a final destination type of thing. its scary but it almost makes me think “who’s next?”

now that i’ve ended with such a positive note, i think i’m going to be done. i hope that was a sufficient update for you anna. sorry if it was jumbly, boring or just a mess. it was at least nice for me to get it off my chest.

good morning.